Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is