So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
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Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone