*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
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Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Scream sneezers need love too.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
step 6: release the wall snake
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
somebody come look at this
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.