doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
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on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I know this now 😂
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.