How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
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Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
my lower back watching me try to live my life
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real