Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
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My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.