Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
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huge valentines day plans this year!!
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Worst Native American name ever.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.