Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
You Might Also Like
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.