old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry


THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.


me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
me: hello?


If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.


If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.


If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”


My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”