old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Raisins are grape jerky.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash