Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

@PJTLynch

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

@mrjohndarby

me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too

@slimmy_shady

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

@RuthePhoenix

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

@leechee420

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

@internetluke

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

@vodkatext

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either