old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

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Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)


People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio


4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.


me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything

t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too


Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!


People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.


Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.


[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya


i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either