@Bob_Janke

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

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@jarry

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

@hipchkk

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

@PaperWash

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

@AimeeHelene1

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

@DrunksWithGuns

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

@bourgeoisalien

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

@Rollinintheseat

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”