Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I only say stupid things when I talk.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.