I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
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[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Had an epiphany today.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.