Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
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“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to