Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
You Might Also Like
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
When you don’t understand how floors work
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Got him!
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad