Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
You Might Also Like
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
CUTE CAT‼︎
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
selena gomez
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”