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When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.