Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
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Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”