Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
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I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist