The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
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Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
new record!