lmaaaaaooooooooo
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks