The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
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my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Never forget.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head