Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
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fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
what could possibly go wrong?
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.