The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Feels
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I forgot how to panic. Help
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Tony Hawk, age 6
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true