mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I love the honesty
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?