Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
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Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*