office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
You Might Also Like
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*