being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
You Might Also Like
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Can Happiness buy money?
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
(Musicians.)
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Don’t tell me what to do
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good