Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
You Might Also Like
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/