Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
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date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.