Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
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My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.