When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Poetry is my passion
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake