nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

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“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’


I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.


WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*


Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…


sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.


God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.


“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting


The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.