just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
doctor: you’re going to di-
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son