@egg_dog “honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
@mom_tho nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
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@egg_dog 
@DosieDoe I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
@sofarrsogud WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
@CafeinatedBacon Everyone’s family
@Jake_Vig Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
@TheCatWhisprer Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
@SaddestTiger sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
@LuvPug God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
@TragicAllyHere “I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
@TrueQuixote The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.