@jennasaysquoi just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
@mom_tho nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
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@jennasaysquoi 
@AngelaEhh I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
@RealPrincessKim Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
@shanethevein When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
@tuckerflodman Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
@kiralc a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
@mrjohndarby doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
@ThoughtOtter *hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
@mommajessiec My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
@ristolable “DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son