Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
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[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
tinder is all about the long game
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Running from your problems is cardio .
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.