Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them