Today鈥檚 kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 馃槀
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Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 馃ゴ
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
If you like constant interruptions when you鈥檙e [no you can鈥檛 have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I鈥檓 very secretive
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I鈥檓 not wanting to be a team player anymore
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Nigella has gone too far this time.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it