I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
also my go-to takeaway order
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
quarantine day 3
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.