I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
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Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
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Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic