“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess