You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
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One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad