mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
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[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit