My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
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*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Jupiter
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end