If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
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[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Holy shit he’s back
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home