Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
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Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back