[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
You Might Also Like
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.