“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
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We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
honestly, i need both:
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.