i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
You Might Also Like
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.