Roses are red, you always mattered,
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Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”