A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
You Might Also Like
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
😍😂🥰😂😍
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.