No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
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She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
dutch is not a serious language
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
very niche meme I made
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed