@reesespiece_

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

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@aligarchy

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

@bridger_w

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

@Donna_McCoy

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

@Arroia

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

@murrman5

I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break

@ericsshadow

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

@Love_bug1016

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

@HelloJessicaFox

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

@mommajessiec

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.