Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
You Might Also Like
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Cheer up.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when