Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
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I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.