Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

What about a To-Don’t List?

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶