I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
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Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.