On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
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“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
The first matador
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose