ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
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dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
screw you
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?